The Long a'waited' return...

Howdy folks, I'm back! Frank and his moist vagina is making a return to the typing scene! A few of my next posts will discuss the reasons of my recent absence from the scene of writing which is well validated. But for now, I will open with a quick discussion of my latest stories, mostly centreing ((centring) or however the fuck you spell it!) around watressing, or in my case 'amazetering' - a simple mix of the amazing service I provide whilst waitering tables  of miserable english folk. To be honest its a simple task. Now when i take orders i usually draw a random charicature of the person ordering instead of actually taking down there order... For example, a recent illustration I drew whilst disucussing how well a pork steak should be cooked, involved a rather large fat pig (not too dissimilar to the famous Babe from the series of films) having its tail played with by a mixture of vegetables the dish was served with in a variety of violating positions - Arousing I know! Anyways some of us require are beauty sleep (including the fat lady who ordered the pig instead of the goats cheese salad), and I best be off for the night, but will soon be back writing regularly, desperately seeking the approval of the grossly unintelligent people that are willing to read my dribble! Thanks ladies and gents

Running.

So this morning I woke on my friends floor. Cold tiles and a dog licking my face, really not that much fun! So i thought, you know what, I'll freshen up...Go for a run! I've always criticised and mocked people that run; always wondering what on earth they do whilst their legs pump stride after stride. Why not plug your ipod in and sit on the couch, much more comfier and relaxing. Fitness is still a myth to me.. But regardless of all that, I now know why people run! Holy fuck! It just opens up your eyes, you see so much. I think I've found my new daily routine (provided I dont wake up with a pitched tent and have to solve that problem first). I mean you really do see some amazing things. First off, you witness the miracle that is ''banging double D's''. I feel sorry for the poor woman. Those twin breasts bounce up and down so much, I'm sure she has a bruised chin and jaw! And I'll bet she has back problems the poor thing. Another thing you witness is dogs. And yeh sure, you can see your pet dog anytime at home when you call its name and offer it a tasty treat. But when your running you see dogs out in there natural habitat, and my goodness is it entertaining! They, still to today, remain the only animal I've ever seen sniff out their fellow canines faeces from miles away, and then proceed to sniff and lick around it. And if they're male, probably cock their leg up and take a fresh whizz over the smelly brown biscuit sitting on the ground. I mean, seriously dogs, when I visit the bathroom after a night out on the town and full of bourban, the smell I leave clears out suburbs (it sure as shit doesn't bring the dogs to my yard)! And certainly isn't an open invitation to the neighbours that I'm cooking breakfast. And lastly (I'll end on a soppy, emotional note), running just in general opens your eyes and mind. So many thoughts ran through my head, surprisingly including deep and meaningful life questions (very rare for me!). It seems I've found a new addition to my morning routine, I'm quite pleased I'll get more exercise than my right arm moving up and down vigorously...A full body workout!

Better get back to the kitchen...

Sorry for the headline female readers, but this clip is hands down too funny not to post! It brought me back to this time at a high school assembly. The entire school (1300 students) sitting in an outdoor quadrangle. Then all of a sudden, you here these bangs as eggs come from outside the quad and over the buildings! My mate, turns around and cops one square in the face. SPLAT! Copped a nice blood nice too for his efforts. And till this very day, he still gets called ''Eggface'' (yep, same deal, you deserve a fucking capital letter after copping such a hilarious hit big fella!). And I've created a poll as to which acronym you would use to describe this video on the side so please vote! (had to do it, purely because I laughed so hard and still do on my 1000th viewing of it).

Facebook 2

Again I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing far too early this morning, must be about three days in a row now. And you know what makes it even harder? The fact i woke up with wood this morning! And on the other end of the phone was my grandma... Well at least that solved one problem I guess. Anywho, moving on to the marvel that is Facebook (so important I gave it a fucking capital letter!). Two things to discuss today; they do kind of intertangle, so it works out well. The first order of business, is wall-to-wall. Especially lately with all the iphone gadgets and stuff that have arrived on the scene. Wall-to-wall is now used not only to tell other people things, but its used at peoples discretion to look like MAD DOGSSSS. People are already on there iphone and could quite easily just text that person something, but nooooo! They want the whole world to find out how cool they via ''wallstalking'' (dont worry, that's next on my list). But i say dont half-ass facebook! start using people's walls for everything, let your random hook-up buddy know via facebook (now I'm a bit angry, so no capital letter for you, you twat!) that your on antibiotics and they've had a bad reaction to your birth control, and that he's gonna be the proud daddy in nine months! I'm sure he'll love seeing that notification. Or hey guys, maybe instead of showing off and telling your mates the ''crazy hot slut'' you banged last night, why not actually send them the link to the fat chick's profile you're too embaressed to add as a friend! And now onto wall-stalking... Which people only have to blame themself for, when they continually ''randomly bump'' into that dorky kid (who's face looks like an acne dartboard and if you can spot the clean hygenic part of his face - you've found the bullseye!) at places you go to. But I must admit, I have this one friend (actually a proper mate, unlike Jordan from Facebook 1) who is pretty much a private detective when it comes to stalking! Madness how he does it! He just needs to have met them once, and know just there first name, and BOOM! He'll be there lurking in the dark corner of the party, waiting to pounce on her as she walks through the door. People Should really be hiring this guy as a private detective! And it would give him something to do in his life. Because for fuck sake, I've seen that guy's internet history before (and the amount of empty tissue boxes by his desk), and it sure as shit isn't pretty! Well i got to go eat some breakfast and call my gran (awkward...) back and apologize for being so damn excited this morning...

The Cold Finger.

So I had my doctors appointment today. Pretty stock standard, I get the regular general flu type bug - cough, blocked nose and sore throat. A couple times each year. Me and the doctor do a little dance and I walk out of there with some drugs to bring me back to planet earth. However today was different... I walk in and get this short, stocky, bald Indian looking fella. I like the look of his head, I imagine myself using it as a bongo drum. So I enter his room, and we do the usual dance, checks my temperature, looks at my tonsils, asks me to take off my pants... WAIT WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?! You little creepy freak, that isn't part of the normal routine! I don't want those small hairy hobbit looking hands down near my junk! Dude WTF! And then that got me thinking to when i was in hospital recently (dont worry folks, I'm still alive and kicking!). It got me thinking about how fantasies just dont play out in real life; in fact, they get ruined! I used to wake up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat and look down to to see my crotch surrounded by a puddle of a certain sticky substance, after a dream about a threesome with two very young, beautiful, and accomodating nurses. But no! When I was in hospital, I soon found that when a nurse leans down over you to check your temperature, you dont see an amazing swedish cleavage. Instead you get a real good sniff of body hour and 18 hour shift smell! And its ruined my dreams forever now! But hey the bongo drum set did end up giving me the drugs (thankfully not suppositories like I thought the cheeky little bastard would!), and I'm sure to make a speedy recovery.

Versus.

      

You be the judge!

Green

The grass is always greener on the other side. Well my wardrobe (or my bedroom floor) must really be far, far away on the other side. It came to my attention today that a significant percentage of my shirts are green, not to mention the fact i also own a bright green full body lycra suit (see me below - thats right mothers and fathers, lock up your daughters GREENMAN is coming to a town near you soon!). But the grass can't be that green over here, some scum of the earth filth smashed in my car window today! Luckily when I returned to my car at the carpark of the nudist beach I was swimming at, my most valuable items were still there - my street directory and pair of socks. I mean for fuck sake criminals! If you're gonna do a break and enter job properly at least take my most expensive items (the items mentioned above). And yes I know what your thinking, ''how sad is it that the most precious items in my car were a pair of socks - how poor can i be?!''. But hey, clearly those nudist beaches are dodgy areas and i was prepared for that. So yes, the grass isn't all that greener over on this side... Just full shattered glass, anger and a lack of pants currently! Over on the right of this page, you'll find a poll. Go ahead and let me know where your preferences lie!

Facebook 1

So I wake up this morning and do my usual dance; check to see if I'm met with any morning wood, drag myself out of bed and say gday to the pet pooch and make sure she's still alive. All good. Next on the list is the stumble down the hall and log into Facebook. Ah Facebook, how you are such an interesting foe. I used to hate you; believed you were in fact the devil (so much so a friend had to make my account for me!). But like with most people, it slowly found a way into my life by just chipping away with more and more notifications and eventually leaving me with a social hard-on. However i do have three things that turn my Facebook boner upside down. Numero uno - everyone has that friend; that one fucking annoying friend who is such a mad dog he/she just cannot help themselves sharing it to the world. In my case his name is Jordan (hi to Jordan if you're reading this. But instead you are most likely jacking off your supposedly large 12 inch penis, as you announce it to the world by updating your status with your spare hand. Heck mate, if it's that big, just use two hands! I don't wanna know about it.). You are just that cool, that you need to announce every little bender you go on, and tell the world how every sunday morning you got hit by the hangover train. Well so did the rest of the fucking world!  Instead they did a good enough job the night before, that they ended making friends with there toilet bowl in the morning. Meanwhile you're accepting friendships with random middle aged 40 year old men named Mohammed Sanjeet Ramnaresh, in whom you share no mutual friends with - how strange. Anywho, I'll get to my other two peeves later on today. I'm craving a hash brown and the deleting of a freckled kid called Jordan.